“Emotionally unavailable, that’s what I would call you” I smiled at him as we lay in bed cuddling. He looked at me with shock “Don’t say that, that sounds terrible!” I laughed and replied, “Well it is true. But fine! You … just want to have fun after training hard for so many years, I get it!” (He was an Olympic swimmer who spent the better part of his 20’s working for that gold medal).
I kind of kicked myself after the first night I met him because deep down I knew he was an emotionally unavailable man but I chased this man for most of my LA residency (palm to face). And there are so many other terms we use for this kind of man. This could be the man who is just living the single life, a player, not ready to be tied down, likes the idea of sleeping with many, has no capacity to care about someone other than himself, is a narcissist, or they are saving both of you from the inevitable break up and letting you know they just can’t. I’ve had a man tell me I was wife material but they would just hurt me in the long run.
Now don’t get me wrong selfishness can be a form of self-love but not at the expense of my heart and thinking his actions will change.
But let’s not do what I did and think you’re reading between the lines to hear “Oh you just haven’t met me YET.” NO, listen to that man and run! Run fast … and far … DO NOT LOOK BACK!
Over the years of dating, I fooled myself in so many ways thinking the man I adored would change, begging for him to change, and not understanding that anything less than a “hell YES!” is, in fact, a “hell NO!”
So how do we recognize an emotionally unavailable man now? Cause ladies, let’s be real we all want the man we want and we want him to do better for us but there are too many really good men out there we’re letting pass us by because we believe that emotionally unavailable man just isn’t ready or hasn’t met a woman like you, so we’ll just wait till he is.
Now I have my own terms and ideas of what an emotionally unavailable man looks like. So I’ll be explaining my experience of how I’ve recognized them.
1. The Lack Mindset Man
I am notorious for meeting men that live out of state or in a different city that usually reside 2 hours away from me. I never used to believe in long-distance relationships but part of me truly believes my future husband is in Italy or London drinking a glass of wine, waiting for me to walk by, but that’s a story for a different day.
I have come across men who are willing to travel to me just to have dinner with me, just to give me a hug, just to say hello, and to deliver flowers. So when I come across a man who says things like “Wow, that’s far!” or “Hey, why don’t you come to me.” I have learned that this kind of man isn’t serious about me and has a lack of mindset. He’s not interested in a real connection with me and he would be fine with me coming to him. I’ll discuss this in another post about how I believe women should be courted in the beginning.
I think to myself if a man cannot make this happen then he’s probably not really serious about finding a partner like I am. People will move mountains and make things happen when they really want to see you or know you. If there is always a ‘but’ after why they can’t make something happen they’re usually lacking in imagination of how to make it work with you or truly don’t want to put that effort in.
2. The Bachelor
We all know this kind of man and can generally read his energy from the get-go. He’s smooth, he’s charming, and sometimes it feels too good to be true. If you’re anxiety meter kicks in around this man let me tell you now … those are not butterflies. That is your central nervous system telling you that this doesn’t feel right!
I dated a few of these men and something always felt off. They would go days without texting, then text at later hours in the night. I’d get invited to weekend getaways where it felt like we were in this whirlwind telenovela, only to be brought back to reality on Sunday evening knowing the weekend was over and I probably wouldn’t be hearing from him till he cycled through his next round of women. In my 20’s I didn’t know any better and I was living for experiences that ultimately caused some hurt feelings on my end.
And while we’re at it when a man tells you he’s got money, and he’s got this and is more interested in running down his resume than truly getting to know you. Welp, that’s a red flag. There should be equal parts of this conversation occurring. Not a man who is so into himself that he is trying to win you over with his accolades. Also, this kind of man usually follows 500+ women on Instagram. And I don’t care how cool or chill you are or want to be that is also a red flag to be weary of!
3. The Man Who Wants To Be Chased
It’s no secret we’re living in a very weird time where women are more in their masculine and men are more in their feminine. They want to be chased, for us to tell them how to plan the first date, and they’re mad at us for our choices, for being too strong, too independent, and not needing them enough.
Now, I love some old fashion dynamics, but I am not chasing a man in the beginning. I don’t believe in telling a man how to treat me or being the only one making the effort, wanting to see him and to spend time with him. Men were born to be natural hunters and if you want me, you will show up and want me. Plus, I believe that letting the man plan and court you also allows you to see how they show up, how they want to treat you, and how creative or romantic they are. From my own experience, I have learned that telling a man exactly what I want doesn’t show me what kind of man he truly is on his own. And eventually, you will be arguing with him and using the same line we all use “In the beginning you did this … ”
And from my experience a man who wants to be chased is just playing games, they’re toxic and have these unrealistic ideas of how to treat their woman. They’re never satisfied, always looking for the next woman to love them, and have more than a few of them dropping food off at their door or driving them to their doctor’s appointments. No, thank you!
4. Not Your Man, But Acts Like Your Man, Man
These are the men that say and do just enough to keep you guessing, keep you intrigued and always wanting more. They say they know they want you but now just isn’t the time. They just don’t want to put forth the effort, because right now there’s a plethora of women ready to drop the Trey Songz “Panty droppa” song on them. They make you feel like a girlfriend and sometimes play house with you, will tell you they love you only to neglect you for days on end. Hope has its own compartmentalized space in your brain holding out for this man to come around, yet days, months, and sometimes years pass and they still have yet to make a move. In this case the chase is gone and you may be the woman they will take home to mom but ultimately will never settle down with. Side note, just because you meet the parents doesn’t warrant a relationship with this man.
These men will settle down eventually, but their lollipop mouths as I like to call them, stay sweet with their simple one-liners for just about any woman. This is the man that you always make excuses for and think that he just needs time. Please do me a favor and get that out of your damn mind! Nobody needs time, you always know what you want or don’t want. I will say to you again, stop being so delusional! Cinderella’s castle has No Vacancy or room for delusion! And, while were being honest this man eventually became my man but behind my back nothing changed and at every corner I knew it. This heartbreak turned out to be the worst of them all.
To get to the point let me run you down a quick checklist of emotionally unavailable things to watch for:
- Difficulty Expressing Emotions: An emotionally unavailable man struggles to express his emotions and cannot communicate effectively. And he has no desire to understand yours when you express them!
- Avoidance of Commitment: There is always some reason he is not committing to you. he’s hesitant, resistant, and falls back on his past as the reason he can’t move forward. Or sometimes even blames you for the reason he doesn’t want to commit … NEXT!
- Inconsistent Communication: Going back to what I was saying above. This man has inconsistent communication patterns. He’s hot and cold, disappears for days or weeks at a time, and reappears without an explanation or some over-the-top B.S. He doesn’t want photos or videos with you, he’s reluctant to respond to texts or calls, and communicates sporadically.
I promise you, if you take the time to watch a man’s actions and pay attention you won’t miss the very real and very deep red flags that are blowing so hard in your face it would cause whiplash!
Men truly do tell us what they’re looking for, or not looking for by their actions. We just happen to be emotional creatures who don’t want to see it. Try to take your time before falling for him and let him show you. You’ll be better off in the long run.
xx,
MZ
Melissa Zamora 